Dear Me. An Explanation.

Today’s blog post is a little bit of honesty, a little bit of insight, a lot of trying to get words out there and a big reminder for myself. This could make difficult reading depending on mindset and covers subjects of mental health, covering depression and anxiety, and the effects. I have tried not to make this triggering or too personal for me because this is a lot for me to put into words but I needed to remind myself of a few things.

So if you wish to turn back and go read something else go right ahead (I can recommend some of my posts here, here and here if you want to read posts by me! I may as well get a plug in whilst you are still reading.) but for those who stick around I thank you.

So at the start of the year after declining mental health I finally made it to the doctors. It was a massive step for me, think man taking the first step on the moon sort of big step, and to be honest I didn’t think I’d even manage to make that. I had been going downhill since last year, slowly at first then the events and loss at the end of last year combined with everything from before (related to work) came back to bite me and it took a nosedive.

I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, with stress being a particular motivator for these. I have very few people to talk to about this as I’ve been too scared to, I keep my distance and have isolated myself quite a bit. When I still had finished blog posts this was fine, I didn’t need to think, when I had nearly completed drafts it was ok because I could put something out there. I could get it done. Now when I post I have just been working on that post. A post that should take me say a couple of hours from my notes I already have can take me a month or more in one particular still unfinished case and then there are the ideas which seemingly take forever at the moment. My Agents of Mayhem post, for example, is one that took over a week to write and I had all the notes I was building it from, even a start of a draft and screenshots etc. I also try to post them that week so I have content. Maybe I shouldn’t but one of my little goals I set myself is to continue posting on this blog because it makes me feel like I’m achieving something and it makes me happy.

Online I try to still be me. This blog and associated social media, I try to be me. This is mainly because in real life, the real world, I don’t recognise myself so much. I’m me but I’m not.

I have so little motivation now. Before I was focused on what I wanted to do and in evenings or weekends I’d dive into games or Lego or even planning cross stitch or writing for the blog or whatever. Going out, taking photos, going for walks when I was well enough (another long story). Now, if I make it to the shop that is just down the road it’s almost a miracle on certain days. Especially alone. I don’t mix well with crowds at the moment as I struggle with any number of people and start to panic. Even going to events I had tickets for for ages, that I had really been looking forward to, I have considered not going and hiding on the sofa or under my duvet instead. I wasn’t doing that alone but whatever level of confidence I had going out and being in crowds, never mind confidence in other areas, has been depleted. I have been to everything I had planned so far (for fun things that I had planned to do) and enjoyed it aside from the overwhelming nature of it. We are trying to build me up with that but it is slow progress and it isn’t easy to do.

I have pulled several posts I had already written and scheduled from months ago because I decided I didn’t like them or people would judge or no one would read it. I write this for me more than anything. If no one read a post but I was proud of it I would be fine. I love this community and I love that people actually check out my blog and comment but I have this blog for me. Now I feel like I’m taking it from myself.

I miss checking out the community in the same way. I can’t keep up with posts, even my own nevermind what everyone else is posting. I’m still here but I miss the community in a way because I feel like I’m interacting differently.

I’m off work at the moment. I can’t cope with it, I am in no state to attempt it yet apparently (though I do tend to agree). Due to this I feel worthless but I also wonder if I should even go back. Nothing will have changed. The environment and the work issues will be the same. The only difference is I will be on medication, what if that isn’t enough? This has tainted everything related to that world, I have no happy feelings towards my current or past work in that field at the moment, but I don’t feel that I can quit and even if I did I have no other skills to fall back on. The “work” situations is kind of complex/different so that doesn’t help either. More than anything I hate when I just sit because it was hard to even make it to another room. Or when I stare at a game because I managed to get as far as putting it in the console but no further or just staring at the walls because I haven’t done anything. I hate that my memory is so fuzzy and sometimes useless now. I hate that hope has seemingly flown away and left me abandoned.

I know I need to give it time. I guess if you made it to here I want to say a few things to you. One, you are amazing. This community is fantastic and I’m glad you have welcomed me into it. Two, if you need to speak to someone about this sort of thing it is the best step to take and even though it’s hard, it is worth it. Three, sometimes things happen and it’s no fault of anyone. Four, find something that makes you happy. I’m trying to keep gaming because I can do things there, I can achieve something. Plus if I try to play a game at least I manage a fun thing on my list of things to try to do. So even if this is play for 5 minutes or drop in and out over the course of a day it helps me. I’m glad I’m still playing because I’ve lost all other things at the moment. Even if that playing comes with long gaps between gaming or giving up because it’s too much at times.

I feel the need to apologise. For mentioning all of this and being like this, but I need a place to put this. I only have a few select people that I have let know what was going on and have basically ended up isolating myself from everyone else. That isn’t ideal but I can’t cope with too much at the moment, but I don’t want to isolate myself from here, from you all or from games. Despite the fact I see little in the way of hope, I don’t want to give up on this blog. It just might take a bit of time to get back in the zone, a bit longer than I hoped. Also depending on how, if, when I make any decisions on my future things here may need to change. At some point the sick leave will be up or I will have to go back before it is officially (I’m unpaid at the moment which we can manage due to Player 2 working plus savings and yes we are still buying certain things that may not be necessities as such but are good for us and planned expenses at some point but since I’m off to coordinate things now is as good as any time). I don’t have any other skills unless you count writing cards (from volunteer work) and writing this little blog (hardly a skill or professional) or some other hobbies skills. Then there is my current area of work, I have experience there, I have a background there but at the moment all it causes is stress, anxiety and depression and bad feeling. Maybe it will all work out. Maybe my head will clear. Maybe I’ll know what to do. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I shouldn’t be worrying about this now.

Until then, until a better headspace. I will be here but I won’t be. I will post but I am working on getting into a routine whilst trying to build up some posts. I’m trying to keep going.

I admire you all and am so glad I have “met” you through this blogging world.

27 thoughts on “Dear Me. An Explanation.

  1. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, you have nothing but my utmost respect and admiration for finding the strength to take that first step and seek medical help. You have nothing to apologise for, and whilst you shouldn’t feel pressured to post anything you’re not happy with, I assure you that no-one is judging! First and foremost take care of yourself, and know that everyone’s behind you. Sending love ❤️

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you. My problem is I have pulled posts I was happy with and had scheduled and then on a whim deleted it because I randomly decided they were bad on a bad day.

      Thanks for your kind words. I’m definitely trying to take care of myself and work out things as slowly as I need to. I’m also so grateful for you and all the other wonderful people in this community.

      Like

  2. You have been incredibly brave in both taking the first steps by seeing a GP and by putting this post out there. I read your post this morning whilst sitting waiting in my GP’s surgery to talk about my own mental health issues. It was the first time in 15 years I’d spoken about it to a healthcare professional and she suggested various first steps to take. Reading this while I was waiting made me feel stronger about going in there and actually talking about what had been happening, so thank you.

    None of us obviously know what the situation with your job is, but the fact that you’ve sought help, the fact that you’ve still been able to do some of the things you had planned to do is something to be proud of. What you say about the community is very true, it is full of wonderfully supportive people, but never forget that you are a huge part of that, and that you bring a lot to the community yourself and never have to apologise for expressing yourself like this. If you need time off, time away, or just a change of pace with the blog and social media then I and (from my own experience) everyone else, will always support you in your decisions and in any other way that we practically can.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you so much for your support and kind words. This really is the most wonderful community.

      I’m glad this helped you a bit and that you managed to speak to your GP as well. I am going to keep trying and see what I can manage. Little steps and all that.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. As everyone is saying, well done on managing to take that first (and hardest) step and seek help. I know what it’s like, because I’ve been where you are. It’s incredibly hard to find the motivation even to just get out of bed. But I can promise you one thing, it does get better. With the incredible community you are part of, and the support you have from all you family, friends, and supporters, you’ll get through it. And even though it hard to find the motivation even to work on a blog, it really helps. Some friendly advice (which really helped me), make a positivity wall. Get your friends, family, or even yourself and write some big positive words or phrases and put them on a wall where you see them every day. Just to constantly remind yourself that you are good enough and an amazing person, and that things will get better. Good luck, and if you ever want some help and/or advice, feel free to message me 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words and support. I really like the idea of a positivity wall. I think I have a little project to start on soon. It sounds like a really great idea.

      Thanks for the offer and I may take you up on it in time. This community is so wonderful and thanks for taking the time to reply.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m going to add to the echo chamber: Good Job in reaching out for help. I know that must have been incredibly difficult.

    Before anything else I just wanted to stress what other people have said: you don’t need to feel the need to apologize, or remove your posts. You are judging yourself unfairly, your work is good and you should be proud of it. Furthermore you should not have to feel ashamed or embarrassed when you post something of the nature you have. It is a brave, wonderful thing to share with others. Who knows, you may guide someone to get help themselves?

    I can’t possibly know what you’ve been going through, but you’ve always been kind to me, and I enjoy seeing your comments. You bring a real value in that way, believe it or not, and have brightened up my day before.

    You do you, and we will be here waiting for you when you need us. Have a wonderful day!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. I’m glad I ended up posting this. I still have some notes on the ones that I pulled so at some point I might rewrite the posts I pulled. Logically I know I am judging myself unfairly but just in the blur of everything, in bad days and just bad headspace I don’t see it that way. Little steps at a time and hopefully I can improve bit by bit.

      I’m so grateful for you and this community in general. All so awesome.

      Like

  5. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I relate to your situation a lot, for whatever that’s worth. I’ve been declining in the mental health department myself for a while now. Feelings just don’t like to be bottled up, I guess. My recent reaction was deleting my blog and disappearing from social media for a month because I hated myself so much and didn’t think I deserved to be a part of this awesome community. I finally went to my doctor after that, and yeah… anxiety and depression is a rough combo. 😦 Speaking from experience, seeking help is the absolute hardest thing to do. You should be very proud for taking that step!

    It’s good to take a break from things sometimes! I also think it’s important to make posts like these if they make you feel better. This blog is about YOU after all, right? Take all the time you need and I’m always around on Twitter if you need to talk to anyone. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for the offer to talk and I may take you up on that sometime. I’m sorry you can relate and have been going through all that. Anxiety and depression is a horrible combination. Also as one for the bottle up feelings method I can understand how that feels.

      I’m glad I took the step and hoping to take little steps to get towards some little goals and keep going. Just need to see how things go.

      You definitely deserve to be a part of this community. You are a major part of it too. Everyone is so awesome here and I’m so glad I have found this community and grateful for yours and everyone else’s support.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so glad to see that you were willing to post this – I can’t imagine how difficult it is to share this.
    You are one of the most supportive bloggers in this community and a pleasure to interact with. The very least we can do is support you while you go through this. Take however much time you need, and please for free to reach out if you need to talk – even if it’s just about video games! 😁

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Well you seem to like conversations that other people have in game stores, so I thought you might enjoy having a talk kind of like they have, haha.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through this! You’re an incredible part if this community, it wouldn’t be the same without you at all, I love reading your posts and you always put a smile on my face.
    Please don’t feel like you need to apologise you shouldn’t have to at all. Take whatever time you need and do whatever you need to do to feel better.
    If you ever want a chat feel free to message me, I’m always happy to talk 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kindness and support. This community is amazing and I’m so grateful. I’m going to keep trying even if it is slow progress. I know that at least I have taken a good first step or a few of them. I might take you up on the offer to chat sometime.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You don’t need to apologise at all. You are brave for going to the GP and for posting this. This post could inspire others to talk about their mental health. You should be proud of yourself for taking these steps.

    Take as much time away as you need. We’ll still be here when you come back and write about your gaming adventures.

    Life may seem hard at the moment but it will get better in time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Everyone has been wonderful. I’m holding out for the days when it gets better. I know every little goal I make and achieve is a step towards that. I know I just need to keep going and make whatever steps I can. I have got a good GP who is helpful even if I try to get out of going (don’t worry I do keep my appointments I just am not a big fan of doctors). Trying to keep writing though as it helps keep my mind on something else and I can build it up slowly. At least when I feel up to it (or when I can’t sleep). I’m so grateful for everyone. Amazing community.

      Liked by 1 person

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