Today’s blog post is a little bit of honesty, a little bit of insight, a lot of trying to get words out there and a big reminder for myself. This could make difficult reading depending on mindset and covers subjects of mental health, covering depression and anxiety, and the effects. I have tried not to make this triggering or too personal for me because this is a lot for me to put into words but I needed to remind myself of a few things.
So if you wish to turn back and go read something else go right ahead (I can recommend some of my posts here, here and here if you want to read posts by me! I may as well get a plug in whilst you are still reading.) but for those who stick around I thank you.
So at the start of the year after declining mental health I finally made it to the doctors. It was a massive step for me, think man taking the first step on the moon sort of big step, and to be honest I didn’t think I’d even manage to make that. I had been going downhill since last year, slowly at first then the events and loss at the end of last year combined with everything from before (related to work) came back to bite me and it took a nosedive.
I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, with stress being a particular motivator for these. I have very few people to talk to about this as I’ve been too scared to, I keep my distance and have isolated myself quite a bit. When I still had finished blog posts this was fine, I didn’t need to think, when I had nearly completed drafts it was ok because I could put something out there. I could get it done. Now when I post I have just been working on that post. A post that should take me say a couple of hours from my notes I already have can take me a month or more in one particular still unfinished case and then there are the ideas which seemingly take forever at the moment. My Agents of Mayhem post, for example, is one that took over a week to write and I had all the notes I was building it from, even a start of a draft and screenshots etc. I also try to post them that week so I have content. Maybe I shouldn’t but one of my little goals I set myself is to continue posting on this blog because it makes me feel like I’m achieving something and it makes me happy.
Online I try to still be me. This blog and associated social media, I try to be me. This is mainly because in real life, the real world, I don’t recognise myself so much. I’m me but I’m not.
I have so little motivation now. Before I was focused on what I wanted to do and in evenings or weekends I’d dive into games or Lego or even planning cross stitch or writing for the blog or whatever. Going out, taking photos, going for walks when I was well enough (another long story). Now, if I make it to the shop that is just down the road it’s almost a miracle on certain days. Especially alone. I don’t mix well with crowds at the moment as I struggle with any number of people and start to panic. Even going to events I had tickets for for ages, that I had really been looking forward to, I have considered not going and hiding on the sofa or under my duvet instead. I wasn’t doing that alone but whatever level of confidence I had going out and being in crowds, never mind confidence in other areas, has been depleted. I have been to everything I had planned so far (for fun things that I had planned to do) and enjoyed it aside from the overwhelming nature of it. We are trying to build me up with that but it is slow progress and it isn’t easy to do.
I have pulled several posts I had already written and scheduled from months ago because I decided I didn’t like them or people would judge or no one would read it. I write this for me more than anything. If no one read a post but I was proud of it I would be fine. I love this community and I love that people actually check out my blog and comment but I have this blog for me. Now I feel like I’m taking it from myself.
I miss checking out the community in the same way. I can’t keep up with posts, even my own nevermind what everyone else is posting. I’m still here but I miss the community in a way because I feel like I’m interacting differently.
I’m off work at the moment. I can’t cope with it, I am in no state to attempt it yet apparently (though I do tend to agree). Due to this I feel worthless but I also wonder if I should even go back. Nothing will have changed. The environment and the work issues will be the same. The only difference is I will be on medication, what if that isn’t enough? This has tainted everything related to that world, I have no happy feelings towards my current or past work in that field at the moment, but I don’t feel that I can quit and even if I did I have no other skills to fall back on. The “work” situations is kind of complex/different so that doesn’t help either. More than anything I hate when I just sit because it was hard to even make it to another room. Or when I stare at a game because I managed to get as far as putting it in the console but no further or just staring at the walls because I haven’t done anything. I hate that my memory is so fuzzy and sometimes useless now. I hate that hope has seemingly flown away and left me abandoned.
I know I need to give it time. I guess if you made it to here I want to say a few things to you. One, you are amazing. This community is fantastic and I’m glad you have welcomed me into it. Two, if you need to speak to someone about this sort of thing it is the best step to take and even though it’s hard, it is worth it. Three, sometimes things happen and it’s no fault of anyone. Four, find something that makes you happy. I’m trying to keep gaming because I can do things there, I can achieve something. Plus if I try to play a game at least I manage a fun thing on my list of things to try to do. So even if this is play for 5 minutes or drop in and out over the course of a day it helps me. I’m glad I’m still playing because I’ve lost all other things at the moment. Even if that playing comes with long gaps between gaming or giving up because it’s too much at times.
I feel the need to apologise. For mentioning all of this and being like this, but I need a place to put this. I only have a few select people that I have let know what was going on and have basically ended up isolating myself from everyone else. That isn’t ideal but I can’t cope with too much at the moment, but I don’t want to isolate myself from here, from you all or from games. Despite the fact I see little in the way of hope, I don’t want to give up on this blog. It just might take a bit of time to get back in the zone, a bit longer than I hoped. Also depending on how, if, when I make any decisions on my future things here may need to change. At some point the sick leave will be up or I will have to go back before it is officially (I’m unpaid at the moment which we can manage due to Player 2 working plus savings and yes we are still buying certain things that may not be necessities as such but are good for us and planned expenses at some point but since I’m off to coordinate things now is as good as any time). I don’t have any other skills unless you count writing cards (from volunteer work) and writing this little blog (hardly a skill or professional) or some other hobbies skills. Then there is my current area of work, I have experience there, I have a background there but at the moment all it causes is stress, anxiety and depression and bad feeling. Maybe it will all work out. Maybe my head will clear. Maybe I’ll know what to do. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I shouldn’t be worrying about this now.
Until then, until a better headspace. I will be here but I won’t be. I will post but I am working on getting into a routine whilst trying to build up some posts. I’m trying to keep going.
I admire you all and am so glad I have “met” you through this blogging world.